Sunday, December 25, 2011

A Very Kaka Kristmas

Kai was awakened by a text message. She read it through sleepy eyes. "Baby girl cant wait to see you! Christmas is going to be like so amazing!" Madd greeted Kai every morning with an overly enthusiastic text. She contemplated going back to sleep, but noticed her pillow case was covered in glittery Christmas Eve makeup, which could mean only one thing - it was Kai's second favorite national holiday. The first, naturally, was her birthday. She slid out of bed and let Bella out of her prison cell, before calling out for mama. 'MOOOOM! PREZINTS! NAO!' When kai heard no response, she wandered downstairs to see her mother passed out with a bottle of vodka under the tree. Kai had refused to let Mama place any presents under their Christmas tree before Christmas morning, so her mother had been up all night getting ready for the special day.

"MOOOM! WAKE UP! I WANT MY PREZINTS!" Mama came to and dragged herself into a chair as her daughter ripped through each gift that she had tirelessly wrapped. She took a swig from the bottle of Ketel One, the only gift she would be receiving this year. She tore through the other gifts, throwing them into a pile. "Ohhh! I like these jeans..." Kai said with a giggle. "Wait. Size 14? What the fuck, Mom?" Mama Wilcher sighed. "IM A 10 IN WOMENS JEANS! A 13 IN JUNIORS!" *bitch face*

Kai eventually got over her tantrum and dragged her gifts upstairs as Mama prepared her favorite Christmas breakfast- 10 pieces of bacon, a cheese & cracker spread, 5 waffles, and a bag of Lindt's truffles. Kai inhaled the meal and excused herself to the bathroom. As Mama sat at the table, disgusted by the leftovers, Kai screamed for her from the bathroom. She needed her ass wiped and she had a skid mark in her favorite Christmas thong. Today was going to be a long day.

Mama sat by the window as Kai put on her snow white foundation. She saw Madd arrive, stumbling out of his car. He was clearly high on painkillers, she wondered if she could break in and grab a few while they were having sex later. Only having gotten his wisdom teeth out 2 days before, Kai had demanded he bring her gifts, so he had made the drive to Bowie. He fell into a pile of Bella's shit as she reached the porch. Mama considered drowning herself in the front yard well. Madd went straight to Kai's room. "Hey baby girl! Oh my god you loo-" "Did you get everything on the list?" Kai interrupted, grabbing the presents. "Well, there was a little problem, I couldn't get any Sleek palettes, I think they only sell them in England or somethin..and I couldn't find a 'real life Edward Cullen' at Walmart" "Oh what the fuck?" Kai said, digging through the bags. Even Davit had done better. He had bought her a clearance target polo, a playboy bunny necklace, and some flavored anal lube for their last Christmas together. Madd had only brought her a few measly gifts, including a dildo she already owned. Why would she need two rabbits? Disgusted, she locked herself in her closet.

Not far from Bowie, Mooren was also celebrating Christmas. Since Daddy Scissors wouldnt drive her to buy Christmas lights, she had used a string of dead cockroachs to make garland and hung it on the Christmas Bush outside the trailer. Keef's mother had banned her from their Christmas celebrations after discovering MoarFailPlz, so she would be celebrating the holidays only with her brother and father. She had photoshopped her head onto Lindsay Lohan's body from her newest Playboy shoot and was giving them each a copy as a gift. It looked exactly like her, a naturally drunk, skinny white woman with long, luxurious blonde hair. 'The perfect gift,' she thought to herself, as she refreshed Kailyn's youtube for the 50th time awaiting her Christmas haul. "This it taking too long!" She screamed as she grabbed her father's keys and began the drive to Bowie.

Back at the Wilcher house, it was time for the annual Christmas card. Granny Wilcher, Rehoboth Beach millionaire and Papa 'the boss' Wilcher had arrived in their most festive apparel. Kai had forgiven Maddy for her Christmas shortcomings and put on her 'sexy santa' oufit in preparation for the picture. As the camera flashed, Kai grabbed Maddy and passionately kissed him as Bella defecated on the rug.

Later that night, as Kai admired herself in the pictures, she noticed something in the background. She gasped, grabbing her black whistle. "ITS MOOREN!" She screamed as she blew it. But it was too late. Mooren had crawled her way down the Wilcher chimney and stolen all of Kai's gifts, as well as her lightest shades of foundation. On her way back to the trailer park, she had picked up Keef, the two of them feeling like a modern day bonnie and clyde. Just then, Mama got a call. Moore had been arrested for driving without a license and for the theft of an aquatic creature, specifically a rare acne-ridden balooga whale. Kai smiled and sighed in relief. It had been a very Kaka Kristmas.